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Methamphetamine: Stories and Letters of the Hidden Costs
by Users, Loved Ones, and Parents

   My best friend is a hardcore meth addict. It breaks my heart to see what he goes through. This kid is amazing when he's sober and he doesn't even realize it. He'll go missing for days, or weeks, then show up all gacked out and acting like someone I don't even know. He does any stupid thing out there to get high, he even robbed me once. Most of you are probably thinking red flag! Why are you still friends with this person. People don't see how amazing he is when he's not using (which I've seen few rare glimpses of since he started) When we first met he was sober. Before he went to jail a few months ago he was homeless, stealing from anyone, or anyplace that he could manage, to get meth. He was sleeping in an abandoned house with nothing but the clothes and his back (that people had given him) and worst of all he doesn't even realize he's hurting the few people left that actually do care about him!!! He's currently in jail looking at up to 2 years in prison for his last arrest. That happened not even 2 months after he had just got out of jail. I'm lost and have no idea what to do. I want to push him away, but I can't just abandon the person I love underneath...
--P

  Hi everyone so this is my story, When I was 21yrs old I met a guy that was 36yrs old. I thought he was great and fell deeply inlove with him. I did not know a thing about Drugs and was very anti drugs. We had alot of problems from the start that I ignored because I was inlove. He had a very bad anger problem and I was always wondering why he was on my A$S about nothing. After close to year of being together I found these glass pipe. To my horror I found out that he was addicted to meth. Eventually I became involved in taking pills then moved onto my first try of meth by smoking it over the course of the next year I would try pills and meth every no and then. I started getting scared that I would turn into an addicted because by this time I had tried meth over 10 occasions ( a few times smoking then I started snorting) I gradually stop taking ALL drugs because it was a weekend party thing for me but then I started getting really scared I would end up in a state that I saw most people I hung around with in. My partner still uses and has been a user for the past 15 years - Going by what he has told me. He is now 40 and says that he wants to stop. He is what you call a functioning addict - He has hels a job the 4 years we have been together and seems to hide it very well. Half the time I have know Idea when he is using. He usaually stays home alot but once every so often he will want to go out with his friends to thos Rave parties. We used to go together but since I have no interest in Drugs he knows I would probably be a 'drag' to take to those places. My stand point is this if you really want to stop using meth - or any drugs you don't go and put yourself in a place where there would be people doing it. He says he really wants to stop this time and that 'he can feel' it is comming to end for him. I want to believe him but he is going off this weekend again to another Rave. It hurts like hell that I have been nothing but second place to everything in his life and I hate that I have put my life on hold for someone so much older than me who should know better. I am only 25yrs old and I feel like I am 50. We are no longer living together because I want to see if he really will kick this Demon Drug out of his life for good. What really annoys me is that he says if he stops taking meth for good then he doesnt see anything wrong with taking a pill (extasy) 'every now and then' to 'let his hair down, because he works so hard and deserves it'. I dont want to be around drugs anymore and I dont want to be with someone who does drugs either. I am sick of the emotional and sometimes physical abuse I get inflicted on me simply because He wants to defend this demon. Are asked him recently dont you just want to have a normal relationship with me? He says Yes I really want us to work because I love you so much but you have to let me do this (quit) on my own when I am ready I told I can do that but I am not wasting another 4 years of my life waiting for him to get better so there has to be progress ASAP but he still wants to go to this Rave on the weekend! I said that just shows you are not serious and he said that 'these things take time, I cant be cured in one day and I have already bought the ticket'. I just pray something will happen soon! Wether it be I get fed up for good and CUT HIM OFF OUT OF MY LIFE or he turns into one of the success stories. I just dont know but I cant play this game anymore. There is so much hurt he has done to me - it is so painful. I wouldnt even know if he has cheated on me and I dont know if I could handle it if he has...But I do know if I found out anything like that it would be the breaking point for me and I would be able to look at him again...and yes I do know that doing meth does feel like he is cheating on my with Tina...I am grateful that we have no children together because this is hard enough to deal with by myself ...The confusing thing about it is that the user seems to have you convinced that they dont use as much which you in your heart cannot be true even if you can't pin point when it is happening you just have that 'gut feeling' it sucks . Thank you for listening.
--Sarah

   Hi Ken: I was so moved by your story! I was a rehab technician for a while, and I can honestly say, that folks who experience addiction and go through a successful recovery for the right reasons, end up with an insight and spirtuality that is deep and honest. It's like they understand what a gift life is, what a short time we are here for, and the healing power of the love of Jesus Christ... I grew up in the 70's and it is only by God's grace that I did not become an addict. Everyone smoked pot, did a little coke now and then or dropped acid. I stuck to pot, but did do coke a few times (didnt like it) and never tripped. However, I knew lots of people who did any drug at any time...back then they were called 'garbage cans', supposedly because they would take/shoot/snort anything. I did hear some friends once talk about 'crystal' and snorted it once, without knowing what it was...again, I did not like it and never choose to do it again....I AM BLESSED! When I worked in rehab, when I read these stories, I am profoundly moved by what God sheilded me from. It seems totally miraculous that I could have done crystal for an entire evening (I do recall being up all night and had a racing pulse the next day) and NEVER had a desire to do it again...It just had no appeal for me. I do remember feeling super sexual though, and the dude I was with...the guy was visiting from California and brought it with him was only too happy about that...it was weird.... So, thanks for sharing your story on the net...I hope and pray that your life has continued in such blessed and positive directions. God DOES have a plan, and sometimes its hard going getting there...but when you come out on the other side, placing your trust in His will, it is all GOOD! You are better than before, I am sure. God Bless you and those you love.
-- Miss Yvonne

   I have read some of the stories on your web site. I felt I needed to write. My son got married at a young age.They had dated for awhile he was gonna split up then she got pregant. Stayed together for awhile. There was spousal abuse so he finally got out of. Tried to work things out well it did'nt go so good. A second child was born. They filed for divorce 2005. He got mixed up with crystal meth. At the time my husband and just thought he was feeling his freedom doing what he wanted to do. She was letting him see the children then she would say he could see the kids and wouldnt let him. He then started doing some real stupied things He left on a trip Finally got him bk home. He was seeing things,hearing things hiding in his closet and sleeping wouldnt talk to anyone finaaly talked him into getting help right off the bat they admitted him for severe depression.skitophernia,sucidal put him on meds but now that I read more on the meth I beleve it was the meth all this time he cant carry on a conversation, consintrat,enjoy life, eats, sleep. what can I do We have spent so much on getting him help we dont have any left we are on the verge of loosing everything we own It Hurts us so much not knowing how and what we can do to help him Cant hold a job way behind on child support they keep arresting him get him  then it all starts all over again at the time of divorce he was making good money but now he cant find a job waiting for them to pick him up again but this time we DONT have the money to get him out its like a little child lost wanting to know what he did wrong please help if you can  GOD BLESS.
--Dril

   Hi, I am Shelly. I am 37, NEVER a meth user. Tried pot once and hated it. I have been married to my husband for 15 years and we've been together for 18. The only thing I have ever been addicted to was cigarettes and I dropped them like a hot potato one day, cause I felt like it. I just don't have an addictive personality. Thank you Jesus!
    My stepdaughter is now 24. She had her first child at 19, my husband and I have custody of him now because of Meth. She started using Meth at 20. She went on a three year spree of sex, drugs alchol, adultry, stealing, dishonoring, etc. She never had a job or a place to lay her head for more than a week. She had her personal belongings all over the county. You have DFCS involved, the police, people are calling all hours of the night looking for her. Your husband gone all hours looking for her. She'd stay gone. She didn't come around for 2 years. Then she'd come home, you'd fight with her and she's gone again. One day she came back and slept for a week. Then she'd leave again. It was a vicious cycle. One day I got a call from the school she graduated from and they said a lady in Maine, some 1000 miles away, had her HS diploma from a storage room auction. The lady mailed it back to me, I will keep it until my daughter is mature enough.
    She had another child by her cousins husband at the age of 21. The baby was born addicted to Meth and mamed. She has acute asthma, a mamed foot and is being raised by her other grandmother, the fathers mother. The father was killed in a car accident when the baby was five months old. We don't get to see this baby. But I love her very much.
    My stepdaughter will turn 25 in May, now is recovering from Meth going on 1 1/2 years with one slip up. I don't know if you count in between those or not. She has had another son that is 8 months old. Thank God she was clean throughout his pregnancy. She is raising him, and she still isn't fixed. She has been doing really good though. She and her boyfriend are really trying. But I still have her diploma. :-)
When my husband and I married in 1994, he was a heavy pot user and drinker. I didn't mind it so much, but I didn't like it either. My whole family was involved. How do you fight that battle when everyone is against your moral ideals? You pray. It has only been the past 5 to 6 years that I have literally hated being married. I often have wondered how I can be a Christian and believe in marriage so much. But all the prayer is paying off. It's just in God's time, not ours.
    My own personal hell started in 2004, when I started noticing a huge change in my husband. Little did I know....The moodiness, depression, can't "get it up" and anxious attitude was all because of Meth. The same stuff he was trying to fight his own kid on! I started noticing him 'hiding' from me. Having a secret life. Staying in the basement room and catching him watching porno tapes. He'd fall asleep watching them and we have kids. I'd get so mad and we'd fight and scream. Nothing getting accomplished. It made me feel unwanted and that he thought of me as a whore when we did sleep together. He didn't understand that when I'd tell him. His anger was awful. The secret phone calls and excuses to leave the house late at night. He was already working a 2nd shift job, so it just sorta fell into play that they call him in on his nights off. The thing with my husband is he has kept his job through all this and he eats regularly. He was always one to not sleep much, so that was hard to pin on him, when he was up for days at a time. Then one night before my sons baseball game, I see him take something from him truck and eat it. I wasn't sure what it was but I knew it wasn't good. He made a complete jerk out of himself that night in front of everyone. He was coaching 3rd base and my son didn't do exactly what he said and was tagged out, so he flys off the handle on my kid in front of everyone. I stood up, called my husband out on the field and ordered my son off the field. That night wasn't good. We fought loudly.
    I began finding phone calls on his cell phone to local call girls, lots of them, but the calls only lasting 1 to 2 mins. Were they scheduling meetings. What!?!?!?!? I knew something was up and I didn't want to admit it. I felt so stupid and completely clueless on how to handle the situation. I didn't really believe in divorce. Why should I anyway, I loved the man. How was I supposed to do this alone anyway? I have never been without him in all my adult years. I didn't know who I was by myself. I would confront him and we would fight, cause he would lie. I would tell him he was a liar and we'd fight some more. The name calling was horrible. The days and nights of constant crying were exhausting. God was the only magnificant thing that kept me going.
    Then I found the drugs. Whoo Hoo, I had him now. I had it in my hand... many times over the years. He couldn't deny, right?! Well, he did, everytime. He would lie and say it was someone else's, or that it was epsom salt or no no no, the best one was, get this...carpet cleaner. Yep, carpet cleaner. He even tried to pass it off one time as my stepdaughters and that he was working undercover for the cops! And that he was a narc to keep HER from going to jail. I have heard it all. Although she is a recovering meth addict herself, this was sick.
    In 2005, he had a stroke. I was clueless that this stuff caused that to happen. Heck to my knowledge and his lies, he had quit. I heard the nurse tell him to lay off the street drugs. We fought some more. Although, he was paralyzed for a week that still didn't teach him to lay off the drugs. He was lucky and didn't even care.
    In 2006, his father died of a heart attack. He has never been the same since. My family didn't spend Fathers Day or Christmas together that year with him. In 2007, we didn't spend any holiday at all together. In 2008, I had a partial husband. But still a heavy user. We had all the holidays. He lost his job on April 24, 2008.
    I found out in January 2009 he uses Meth by shooting it up. The lumps on his arms are awful and ugly. He is deep in depression. The anger and hurt that he puts on us is hard to bear sometimes. I am so tired. It is so hard. I just don't know how much longer we can do this. Then one day, three weeks ago, there was different kind of prayer that came from me as I found him sleeping and that was the day of our Revelation. God said to me that this is my child. Love him as I do. And I did. I felt so overwhelmed with love I could not imagine life without him. That morning, within an hour of my prayer and revalation my husband finally admitted selling and using to me! Me! Now he is on his second week of being clean. You have start somewhere right? He is sleeping anywhere between 16 - 19 hours a day. He is up long enough to eat, pee and do minor things around the house. His attitiude is better, but still awful. He is battling and I am going to battle with him. I love my husband. Please pray for my kids to hang in there. They still don't know.
    I won't down play anything in our lives from Meth. It is a living hell. If hell had a symbol it is Meth. This is satan's drug. It will kill, steal and destroy everything in its path. It is relentless, unremorsefull, disgusting and plentifull. It will not ever go away, but we can conquer this evil drug. I just kept thinking that if this were my child, would I give up on him? Of course not! And this is my husband for crying out loud....for better or worse, sickness and health. I can't give up....I wouldn't want him to give up on me.
--Shelly

   Hi my name is Tammy. I am 38yrs old. My husband Jason is 32yrs old. We both are recovering meth addicts. We had a great marriage until meth. I don't know how we made it thru. We both should be dead. We lost everything. our home, familys and ourselves. The fighting was unbeliveable daily he would drag me around by my hair hit me with whatever he got his hands on, but belive me I dished right back I remember hitting him with baseball bats 2x4's and whateverelse I could get my hands on. We never argued before meth so this was all new to both of us but the dope controlled us. We always said the other one had the problem not me. We both had a problem. It took Jail to wake me up and the thought of losing me to wake him up. I found God and he followed. Everyone has there own recovery but me my self could not have done with out he LOVE of GOD. He is my strength. Who ever needs help on both sides an addict of loved one of an addict put your faith and love in God and he will do the rest. It's still an everyday battle but we have been clean since 7/31/08. I've been on both sides as a mother and a wife and now a recovering addict. Meth is the devil. I never understood how people could walk away from everything until I tried and instantly became an addict. My mom and mother-in-law Prayed for us daily. Don't give up on yourself or your loved one. Good Luck and God Bless!!
--Tammy

   I have a 2 year old son that was born to a meth user. He was placed in our home last June by DHR. He came home from the hospital with a foster family because his mother just left him there. Two weeks of severe withdrawals and ceasers, constant crying and no sleep. His intestines are permenantly damaged due to the exposure. When ever he eats it is always a fight because his body has no idea when he is full and he wants to keep eating. He throws up at least three times a day and has at least three or four temper tantrums a day. It breaks my heart to see what his birth mother did to him.
--Micah

   Hi, My story is lifelong...And way too complicated to tell in just one letter. I grew up in a family addicted to drugs & alcohol...and also sold drugs in order for us to survive. i never knew until my teenage years. i guess I thought it was normal for us to live in 3 different houses and always have plenty of money when mommy didnt work and daddy was in prison. And then one day some guy decided to come to our house and rob my mom. The next day I made the decision that i didnt want to live with her anymore and moved in with my grandma. 6 months later my mothers house was raided and she went to prison. She has got out 4 times and is currently back in prison for drugs. I made the decision at a pretty early age that I would never so much as be curious about meth because i was so afraid to end up like my mom. When I was 15 i fell in love with my childhood sweetheart.He was a good guy who also had "issues" with meth. Growing up around it and such. A cpuple years passed. He had a good job that couldve taken him so far in life but one day I got a collect call from him. He was in jail. For drug trafficking. He had been busted in a motel room with 86.6 grams of meth. I was 17 he was 21. Our lives changed forever. he got out, attained an excellent lawyer and ended up beating that case on a technicality. I soon found out he was also manufacturing the drug. He was indicted in 2001, involved with a major tri-state drug ring. just a year after we married and I gave birth to our beautiful babygirl. He is now serving time in a federal prison in hopes to be released sometime in 2015. Since that time, I've been through so many trials and tribulations. And I blame the drug. I to this day have not ever done the drug myself...but this drug is so powerful that it effects EVERYBODY around it. So if you or someone you know is involved with the drug, please take my advice and seek help.
--Neosha

   After months at looking at this site over and over and living everyones pain on a daily basis and going through all the same motions as evryone else finally id like to share my story..... In 2006 we moved from a small suburban town in newzealand to australia to help my partner get off the meth(we call it p in nz)after a year we came home and it all started again... My partner is 26 and i am 24 we have been together 5 years now.He has this group of friends hes been mates with since he was five at primary school it was gi joes and skateboards college it was surfing and weed then it turned into pills and dance parties all of which i know is part of life to a degree then it turned into meth and hiding out at peoples places being secretive and lying to everyone in their lives(even themselves)i have never smoked meth in my life and from what ive witnessed i never want to.My partner is the nicest guy you'd ever meet from a loving family great morals he had a great job was excellent with his money and the best loving boyfriend you could ever imagine.sounds cliche but meth really doesnt discriminate It went on for a good six months where hed get high just at the weekends,during the week hed make out like nothing was wrong no one he worked with had a clue nor did his family or even me to begin with...I would return home on a friday and hed never be home he might pop in on a saturday morning as is leaving for work to have a shower and go back out again being up all night (hed usually blame it on pills cause he knew i didnt mind as about those now and again)saturday night hed be tired or hed go back out again sometimes even planning to meet me out in town but never showing up or his phone would be"switched off" or he'd "fall asleep"at someones place,there would always be an excuse that really made sense at the time when i think about it now none of the excuses did really but i loved him and i believed him.Sunday he slept or went out with mates,sunday and monday he was so moody i could never do anything right and everything was my fault,he never visited his "buddies" on these days.He would fly off the handle at anyting,sometimes he would scare me but he has never ever ever been violent towards me but after this repeditive cycle i began to hate myself,lose my confidence and never really left the house(i was never allowed to come out with him)by wednesday he seemed almost normal but by friday it started all again.A few months later he was starting to lose all his passions all his personality like he just couldnt be bothered anymore about anything,his surfing me or anything apart from his mates and going out at the weekends.Some of his mates he stopped seeing and i couldnt work out why(i realise now it was these ones that didnt smoke meth)he never had any time for me anymore or any passion i went on extreme diets to look good for him just so hed notice buy new underwear,cook fancy dinners buy him nice stuff and all sorts,he still didnt notice me id ask him "dont you love me anymore?" and hed say yeah course i do id scream "why dont you show it!".Then he started to look as ugly as he was behaving so i kind of stopped being attracted to him i almost forgot why i had ever loved him so much.His skin started to feel like a crocodiles,his teeth were all yucky and stained he no longer smiled his eyes were sunken,dead and cold his skin was grey with pimples(he never usually gets pimples)he always stunk of body odour aswell i really did know what was going on but i had almost told myself it wasnt true i waited tillhe was asleep every night and checked his phone went through all his things even though i hated what i saw most of the time i couldnt sleep nor could i eat i thought i was going crazy everytime i approached himabout what i had found hed genuinely respond tht i was going mad and have some st of story to cover it but if you cant trust what the person who means most to you in the world says is the truth anymore you end up doubting everyone and everything even yourself.id check his phone and find a text saying "im going to get some stuff,if she asks tell her im at yours" i just about died when i confronted him he admitted it but said it was a one off and not to worry months passed and all the same behaviour was showing it wasnt until i spoke to a mutual good friend of ours who told me everything so i got the guts to leave him of course i gave him the usual ultimatum "its p or me" but this time he was honest as well as the blank stare he gives every time i brung it up he replied "every time i think its going to be different i always think its never going to start again" which i knew was the truth i lef him for two weeks i went to my mums it was the hardest thing i ever did i felt absolutely miserable,every time i saw him he was usually broke or i had to give him money for something he never asked for money but i had to pay for everything in that time like i would have given him my share of the power bills or phone and then find it hadnt been paid etc even though i earned just over half of what he earnt it wasnt until i was looking on the web so cluless as to what to do with myself as i couldnt tell anyone for fear of either of us being judged as it is such a closet topic and noone could help me anyway then i came across kci and found such comfort and strength from reading all the articles even the facts for the first time in months i didnt feel crazy even when i discovered what had really happened to my jewelery that i couldnt find etc(i still feel shocked when i think about that even though the only people we ever had at our house i thought i could trust?)i even just about killed myself when i called up the bank to find hed spent five grand of our savings for a home in our joint account without mentioning it to me he had been taking out withdrawls of hundreds each week i froze that account but when i approached him he went crazy and i realised it was his half too but i died inside knowing that he really had given up on our dream (i know now i wasnt even in his head when he made those decisions and he never told me cause he didnt want to admit it to himself)in those months id never seen him break down and cry or go absolutly crazy or get as angry as he did.But for the first time(after readong kci) i realised how he felt and realised how i wasnt the victim we both were to this horrible disease and "i didnt cause it and i cannot cure it and it wasnt my fault" i approached him with kid gloves told him i didnt judge him hate him that i loved him more than anything,i realised i needed to be the strong one for both of us as much as i wanted to be apart,i told him i wanted to support him but i had to go for both of our sakes my best friend who is a mutual friend to both of us lives in sydney so i booked and paid for two plane fares three weeks apart fro eachother i knew i needed to go and just be me for a while instead of letting this whole ordeal become me.I must admit it was hard in those three weeks apart to not just walk away and it was hard not knowing weather he would even come or not but i want to say maybe not everyone can be saved but i still hope my partner has been.when he stepped off that plane three weeks later he was not a new man still much the same.but living in sydney two months on he is slowly becoming the man i first met i am slowly getting him,he doing things he used to enjoy and helping around the hose and showing affection and not out all weekend.i still hate it when his buddies call and i know theyl be there waiting for him always and get upset that he'l never cut them from his life cause they were there from child hood(dont get me wrong i used to love them too before it came and took them aswell but as a group they are a bad influence on eachother) but i know i can never go home again with him but nor do i want to.he says this time itl be different and this time its forever,i want to believe him but i guess i just will never know yet but im really enjoying having him back all i can say id they have to want to stop themselves not just for you i am very thankful we didnt own a home or have childeren yet(part of me is too scared to until it begins again)it is so hard when you love someone to deal with this it is also amazing that it is exactly the same symptoms as bipolar i realised now i was co dependent the way i felt crazy aswell although he wasnt killing people or being violent with me etc it was still very much a problem its amazing how they only show the worst case scenarios on the telly of what happens in the end on all those new meth ads so many people that use must watch those thinking thats not me im not that bad well weekend use will always lead to more,the weekends will end up starting from thursaday till tuesday then start getting worse whatever feels right in their heads to tell them selves their not addicted.My partner still says he didnt starve for it which i'll never know he never wanted to look at kci and still doesnt want to talk much about it only now and then but he looks so good again and he even cried during a movie which ive not seen him do in ages he even has his sense of humor and wit back im in love all over again i just wanted to say if you stay strong sometimes it can help and you can make a difference just dont give up.Dont get me wrong i stil resent him somedays i get really down about it when i think we could have our own home by now or be more ahead in life or we could get married(which i doubt i will do anytime soon)or look at having a family at some stage these of which things im too scared to do for a while yet thats my story i hope it helps.stay strong people.
--shannon

   So I have been reading the stories on this site for about a year now. So many times I have thought about telling my story. But I wonder if I can remember enough. All I know is when I write it down I want to give creedance to how it really was back then. I want for someone to read my story and really get it and feel it because being on meth is no joke and most people who start don't quit. Because once you start meth will take your soul.
   They say that marijuana is a gateway drug and I remember I used to laugh when I heard that. Now I believe it's true. My mom had me when she was 15 years old and she did the best she could. But she had several bad marriages that were filled with physical abuse, drugs and alcohol. I was the oldest child and I guess I felt responsible for my mom. It caused me to feel like I had no control in my life. I met my very first best friend in 5th grade our parents used drugs together and we were inseperable. It was that year that we started drinking, smoking weed and taking Codiene if her step dad would give it to us. Around the time that I went to high school my mom and step dad got off drugs and changed their lives. By then I think it was probably too late for me. Little did I know at that time that I was the perfect canidate to be an addict. I had alot of pain and pent up anger that I wanted to medicate. During high school I continued to smoke weed and even did Acid a few times. But didn't like the feeling of not being in control. I met a guy that was here from Texas going to motorcycle repair school. He was so cute and we hit it off right away. We did well for quite a while and he got along with all my friends. Then one night out of the blue I find out that he is dealing meth and that my best friend knew it and had been doing it for quite a while. I guess I felt a little naive at that point. I didn't end up doing it that night but it didn't matter cuz soon after I did start using. I can still remember who I was with, what I was wearing and every detail of that first night I ever snorted a line. After I did I felt like the best energy or so I thought. I wasn't shy anymore I loved going out and meeting people. I never ate or drank anything. And for a girl as skinny as I was to begin with that was just bad. My family quickly figured out what I was doing and wouldn't allow it. They kicked me out and I moved in with my best friend and her heroin addicted mother. By this time I was fully addicted to meth. I ended up getting pregnant by a guy that I would never have given the time of day if it had not been for the drugs. He was strung out too and couldn't even make it to my first doctor's appointment. I stopped using and did well for most of my pregnancy until the end. I snorted a line on 2 different occassions. After a night of being up all night I went into labor the next morning. I had my daughter in less than 2 hours. I am so lucky that she did not come up with meth in her system and she was healthy. When I was about 3 months pregnant I met up with a friend from my past and he asked me out. I was so excited and after dating for a while I knew I was in love. We got married soon after my daughter was born. I tried to be a good wife and there were times I did well but mostly I used off and on. I forgot to mention my husband is a recovering meth addict and hates the stuff. So we split up several times. I ended up getting my own apartment on section 8 where i didn't have to pay any rent. Soon all my addict friends were living with me and I was so out of control. I thought at the time I was being a good parent because I fed my daughter bathed her and spent all my time with her. But i wasn't bonding with her because I couldn't feel anything. Literally you couldn't make me cry about anything back then. By this time I had gone from snorting to smoking to shooting dope. My mom and dad filed a petition for dependency. Meaning my daughter is too young to speak for herself and they were tying to take custody of her. I rememeber the night before Court I had been up all night and was planning on going to Court and fighting for my child to come home. But one of my addict friends told me to look around and think if it's really best for her. It was the hardest choice I ever had to make but I let my mom and dad have temporary custody. I got clean 2 months later and reunited with my husband. We had to go through CPS to get my daughter back. We did drug tests for a year. One on one Counseling, Parenting Classes. You name it we did it. It was worth it and I got my daughter back. I got pregnant with my second daughter in 1997 and I had a great job. I was on the right track. I don't remember how it started again but soon I was doing the dope again. Lying to my husband and being secretive. I did this for years getting clean for a while and then falling back.
    The Next Chapter: My husband and I had just bought our first home. We both had great jobs two brand new vehicles and a camper. Life was so good until I ran into the old best friend after not seeing her for many years. Soon I started meeting other people who lived close to me that used meth as well. I lived in a nice house in a nice neighborhood but it seemed like every where I turned was someone I knew. This time I started smoking meth. I know how bad shooting dope is but nothing has affected me like smoking it. I have always had the best memory and now I don't hardly remember anything. I started sneaking out in the middle of the night. I would say i'm going to the store and not come home for days not even thinking about what my kids were doing. I sold things out of our house. My husband tried to kick me out but I wouldn't leave. By that time we had both gotten verbally and physically abusive with each other. He tried everything to get me to stop. I remember when he would tell me he's going to leave me I would feel like my whole world was ending. I loved him and my kids more than anything. And everytime I cried and promised him I would never do it again I really believed myself because I wanted to stop so badly I didn't want to lose my family. Finally after a huge fight where I flipped out in front of my kids throwing tables across the room he took the kids and left me. I just went into my self hate even more. I had non stop people in and out of my house. I soon started cheating on my husband with a guy I felt accepted me for who I was and could put the needle in my arm for me. I was the type of tweaker that didn't like having alot of people come around but it didn't matter I would tell people not to come and they would anyways banging on your door till you answer. Some of the people I met back then scare me to death. I was so stupid, trusting and naive I thought everyone was my friend. All the while they were stealing everything in my house and I was so high I didn't even notice. I let a so called friend and his girl friend stay with me after he convinced me that he would help keep some of the people away. Boy was I stupid it only got worse and when I told him and his girlfriend to move out he stuck his gun in my face and said I don't think so. That was the night I started having panic attacks. I locked myself in my room packed as much as I could and the next morning he told me he wanted me to get him a $150 out of the bank. He had intimidated me so much at this point he thought I would do whatever he said. I took my stuff and never went back home. My husband saved my butt and went and put his own life in danger and threw them out. We sold our house in Sept 2005 and I got $25,000 back. So I moved me and my little boyfriend into a hotel where we shot up about an eight ball a day. I mostly hid out not wanting people around. But it never worked out that way. Everone was after me and wanted something from me. I was getting threats all over from people wanting to rob me. I had to keep moving and it was so scary. I was a mess with bruises all over my body from shooting drugs. I couldn't trust anyone at all. I will never forget how even with all those people around me how lonely it felt. So I blew through this money in about 2 months and then started calling my husband for money so I could have a place to stay. He knew I was with another guy and he would still help me out. Eventually the boyfriend got busted on some warrents and went to prison for a year. I kept using for several months after that. This whole time I would hardly think about my kids much less talk to them. I forgot to mention that when I was living in my house and using I would read my Bible. I felt like such a hypocrite reading it while high but I figured it was when I needed God the most. I begged God to let me see this drug for what it really is. I wanted to comprehend how nasty meth is and what is was doing to my body. I prayed for help because I was not in control at all. I was living in the Budget Suites in Dec 2005 and talking to my husband off and on all through this time he was devastated by what I was doing. He would beg me to stop and come back to him and I would just tell him no. Then he got into Counseling and he told me I need to make a decision because he's not going to wait around for ever. My my litle sister got Cancer and I wasn't even there for her when she had surgery. I felt horrible about myself. Also during this week we lost 2 people that were really close friends of ours. It made me realize life is short. I was a victim for a long time because of what had happened in my childhood. I chose to be a victim because it gave me an excuse to use. Then one day the light bulb just went off and I realized that I dont have to be a victim forever. I can choose to take control of my life. On Jan 8th 2006 I got clean I let go of everyone from my past. My husband and I reconciled and I got my girls back. When I went home I weighed 96 pounds. I never looked back from that day. God did hear my prayers and He changed my heart. I never have the urge to use and as a matter of fact God gave me exactly what I asked for. I despise meth and the thought of it makes me ill. I'm going on 4 years now and every year gets easier. The memories from the past are the hardest thing to deal with. My heart hurts sometimes when I hear a certain song that reminds me or a place. And not because I miss it but because I ever went through it.
    So if anyone reads this please take my word for it and dont ever try meth. Just one time it will own your soul and turn you into someone you don't even recognize. And if you are still using just know there is hope. You dont have to be held in those chains of addiction. Something that was a lifesaver to me was My Recovery Book (that's the name of it) I have read it front to back several times and I also keep journals. I never used to be consistent but I am on my 4th journal. I love looking back and seeing how I progressed. Even if you have lost everything and have burned every bridge it's never too late. You can get clean and get back what you lost if I can do it so can you... God Bless Sorry it's so long...
--Alex

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